Posts Tagged ‘shame’

Core Shame Identity vs Toxic Shame

Core Shame Identity vs Toxic Shame (the following is extracted, in part, from the forthcoming book’s introduction) The notion of shame to which most people refer is an emotional experience or state that waxes and wanes in response to specific triggers and cues, not unlike any other emotion. But there is also what can be considered the trait of shame, a more durable, unyielding and chronic manifestation of shame. It is as stealthy as it […]

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Shame Book

Shame Book (in progress……) Hi to everyone! All apologies for my prolonged absence. All is well. I just wanted to let folks know that I have been busy working on another book. It is tentatively entitled Perfect Pain/ Perfect Shame. It essentially is a further exploration of the philosophies and practices of what I term Integrative Mindful Exposure with specific application to the issue of “Toxic Shame” or what I prefer to refer to as […]

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Recognizing Toxic Shame

Recognizing Toxic Shame is possibly the first and most critical step in learning how to work with the experience of shame. But, in order to do so, we must be able to identify it’s presence and effects. The following is a selection of items from the Personal Shame Inventory (PSI) which was presented in its entirety in the fourth chapter of the book, “How To Lose Control”.  The primary reason that I developed this inventory, […]

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Shame and Anxiety: Redux

Shame and Anxiety: Redux   I stated in the previous post that anxiety is not an emotion, but that in fact emotions are often embedded within the experience of anxiety. In my experience, one of the biggest culprets is shame. As I had long a go stated, shame can be likened to a ninja or perhaps , better yet, a vampire since shame is extremely stealthy, can transfigure itself into other emotional experiences, all in […]

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Lose control:Tyranny of the “To-Do” Lists – Tips to become less busy

It is important to lose control, become less busy and resist the Tyranny of the “To-Do” Lists. Lama Surya Das, an American born Buddhist lama, stated in his book, Buddha Standard Time, that humans in effect have become “human doings” as opposed to human beings. It appears that we have become prisoners of our  “to do” lists. Even when not working, we are almost constantly cleaning, shopping, cooking, fixing, building, doing yard work, and so […]

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Faces of Control: Avoiding Emotional Pain

Faces of Control: How we avoid emotional pain – The next several blog posts will explore the various ways that people have learned to engage in control, that is to say to distance themselves from emotional pain. It is somewhat shocking to contemplate how much of human behavior has at its roots at least some element the function to distance one’s self from emotional pain. Almost everything that one does, can be used as a […]

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Toxic Shame and Anxiety

I am increasingly discovering that many experiences that appear to be symptoms of anxiety actually are manifestations of toxic shame. Some research is emerging that is giving support to this observation. So for example, a significant subset of individuals with social anxiety disorder (anxiety and avoidance of social settings and activities such as public speaking) may actually be a manifestation of shame. It only makes sense that people who at their core feel badly about […]

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Mindful Exposure of Toxic Shame: Black Tar

So maybe some of you reflected upon the questions I posed at the end of the last post. I have now worked with many people to help them to embrace the experience of shame. By facing and engaging in mindful exposure of toxic shame, it no longer has to extract such a pernicious toll on our lives. But to reiterate, the idea is not to conquer, control or even manage shame, for such endeavors would […]

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Vampire Hunting: Finding and Naming Toxic Shame

Toxic shame, by its very nature is furtive, secretive and incredibly slippery. It loves to evade detection (attention) and loves to live in the dark hidden recesses of our psyche. Like a vampire, it hates the light of day (mindful attention). The first step toward working with shame is to learn how to detect it and then how to train the flashlight of our mind on it. Why is it so secretive? Toxic shame is […]

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The Genesis of Shame

We are not born with shame. Shame has to be indoctrinated. Shame tends to be passed on in families like a bad gene, only it is not genetic. Shame based families beget shame based individuals. Someone who does not feel OK about who they are, will probably not be particularly given to engage in praise, validation, encouragement and even much verbal interaction with their children. Little kids, will therefore blame themselves for the lack of […]

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